On Assault
I’m really confused.
Yesterday I was subjected to what I would describe (in very uncertain terms) as sexual assault. I say uncertain, because I don’t particularly feel victimized, never felt threatened, and — if I wasn’t writing this — would probably forget about it in a week’s time. Were our sexes reversed, I wouldn’t hesitate. If a man had done to a woman, what was done to me, police would have been called without question.
* * *
So I’m GM’ing a semi-public game. Some random people show up after a brunch date and join in. It makes for the critical minimum I need to start the game and they’re completely new — I describe the overall setting and idea of an RPG, one asks if it’s like acting.
We start playing, and it’s a game that has it’s common detachment problems. You found bodies — whatever, we’ll investigate. A thug comes out of the back — whatever, we’ll beat him up. He gives you the name of his boss — sure, we’ll seduce him for information.
This is about where it gets weird.
With a very live-acting style, the woman rubs her torso (I want to say “suggestively” here, but for accuracy I’d need a more imperative word), and the NPC I’m running plays along. It’s very in his oeuvre. She touches my hand while playing to his ego. Sure – she’s improv’ing a little. And then when she started unbuttoning my shirt while miming the gaudy seduction of this NPC, I realized the situation had gone much further than expected. I shut the scene down, and shortly after, they left.
I passed it off to the other people at the table as her having probably had several mimosas (a suspicion which was corroborated by the shop-owner). But I was left really uncomfortable with what had played out — and specifically recognized the situation as what is constantly being described by the vocal activists I know, as a sexual assault. Or was it?
* * *
A man’s chest is generally not subject to the same zoning as a woman’s. I wasn’t groped, per se. So what happened? Do I get to talk about this without being derogatorily lumped into the “Men’s Rights Advocacy” camp? I’ve always heard that men can be raped, first and foremost from my mother. And more recently, I hear that that comment basically triggers spam-filtering and almost always accounts that person unworthy of notice because they’re usually twisting the conversation away from places where it’s a problem (the sole exceptions being made for men who have actually been subjected to rape/sexual assault).
That said, I can’t for the life of me discern whether or not this qualifies as a valid assault tale. That despite the fact that I was touched in a way that made me very uncomfortable, I never felt threatened, I was not hurt, and I don’t expect that I will feel any great anxiety over the event. Does it count for me?
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7 comments
I’d say that counts as assault. Any sort of unwelcome advances, actions or situations qualify as big honking red flags. Just because there wasn’t an overt threatening or menace doesn’t make the situation more palatable or less wrong.
Nor should you dismiss this due to your gender, because no one, regardless of gender should be put into that situation – yes, were the roles reversed there’d be more attention to it, but that doesn’t make this case less important. (Attention isn’t the same as validity).
So yeah, it counts.
I’m so glad you posted this. Because here’s what’s at the heart of all the assault/creeper posts women have been writing: If you felt threatened, or encroached upon, or violated, YOU WERE. Period.
Doesn’t matter what the woman had for brunch, doesn’t matter if it was in public, doesn’t matter if you knew her. You felt wrong–it WAS wrong. End of story. She had no right to enter your personal space, and because it took you a while to have that wrongness feeling trigger makes it no less valid. It probably WOULD take a guy a little longer to trigger, because he doesn’t usually live in fear of that happening.
I am so sorry you had this experience, and I’m very glad you’re talking about it. It’s going to change how you feel about GMing with strangers, and for women, and other unexpected things. Give yourself permission to feel them, to accommodate them, and the compassion and time you need to overcome them.
On Twitter you mentioned this is a “thing boys don’t talk about” and I think that’s a big part of the problem. As the mother of a tween son, I think about stuff like this a lot. You *should* be able to talk about this, but I can totally understand why it feels like you shouldn’t. But I think that expectation of silence brings with it an implication that as a male you should welcome any attention a female wishes to give you, and that’s unfair and just plain wrong. Because she didn’t threaten or intimidate you, because she probably couldn’t have beaten you up or forced you to do anything, that doesn’t change the fact that she crossed a very personal line without your permission, against your wishes. While “assault” feels like a more violent word than might be appropriate in this case, something wrong happened here and you should be able to speak out against it if you want to. I’m glad you did. I think this is an important conversation.
It’s assault. I am so incredibly sad when it happens to anyone, but fuck yeah, it’s assault. You were made to feel uncomfortable and upset by someone violating your personal space and touching you in a sexual way that you *did not want.* Silence does not count as consent, and I’m really happy you were willing to be public about this. Not a lot of guys realize it happens to guys too. Wishing you the best in processing the experience and dealing with self-care.
Tough call. It sounds like it’s “in character” for both your NPCs, and done for the stage, but such content should’ve been agreed in advance. Film and stage actors certainly go further but they have the benefit of opting in and knowing the script ahead so it’s voluntary and willing.
I’d say she crossed the line when unbuttoning your shirt, and it’s worthy of a complaint. She could’ve certainly indicated hand on chest without getting gropey or unbuttoning your shirt.
What happened to you – what she did to you, without your consent – was wrong. You felt uncomfortable, you were in a sexual situation you didn’t anticipate or agree to be part of. That’s what sexual assault is, whether it happens to a man or a woman. And it isn’t derailing to speak about what happened to you and how it made you feel.
I’m sorry your body was treated like an object by this person. You shouldn’t be treated that way, and neither should anybody else.
MRAs and men speaking about equality issues that concern them are two very different situations, and I am sorry that you’ve felt silenced because of this. There is space for men in social justice – because it’s for everyone, and you are part of everyone. Safety and bodily autonomy for you is important.
First of all, as to your direct question I echo what the other commenters have written thus far – yes, it counts, because at the very least it counted for you.
But I’m very interested in the implied larger question – which is how has it come to the point where we progressive, feminist, pro-women, let’s-recognize-our-own-privilege-&-try-our-best-to-quell-it allies are living in fear of getting lumped into the pool with the men who are ignoring or belittling these issues?
It’s terribly sad that you fear possibly starting a shitstorm merely by sharing your experience. I’d have the same fear. I’m not saying it’s a rational fear or even a reasonable one, but I’d have it.